Saturday, July 21, 2012
This will be yet another installment of Lauren's self-analysis series as she prepares to leave Mongolia. So if this sounds boring, as it should to any normal human being, feel free to skip and wait for the next installment, which will probably be a detailed description of why travel in Mongolia is simply terrible. For now...an internal monologue.
It's 9 days until my flight to Egypt. Between now and then, I have no remaining Peace Corps duties. I had thought that once my final project was complete that I'd finally start recognizing how soon my departure was, but the realization still eludes me. America still feels just as far as, or farther, it did when I arrived two years ago. Usually, I find it impossible to reconcile the calendar and my reckoning of time. I can't wrap my brain around the fact that soon, very soon, I'll have an indoor toilet, soft toilet paper, high-speed internet, cars, and constant, ever-present English. I don't know how I'll handle it.
I don't know how many of the people that read this blog have lived abroad. From the stats, which I do enjoy checking, I know lots of you find the blog through PC Journals. So you've at least though about it, or served yourself. Do you understand why it frightens me when I realize that I'll soon trade my outhouse for a porcelain pot? Do you understand how high-speed internet and washing machines can be more frightening than coming here was in the first place? As silly as it might sound, I think I'm afraid that when I go back to America and all it's finery, I'll forget everything that happened here. I'll become the same person I was when I left and it will be as if the last two years never happened. I'll fall back into my old patterns, see the same people, go to the same places, eat the same food. And if that happens...what was the point? If I go on as I did before, and the people here go on as they did before, then why did I leave at all?
And what if I don't fall right back into place. What if America, which also went on as it always has, has gone too far and I cannot catch up? Justin Beiber, Ipads, and an election, that's too much already. But my family has also continued on without me, I have to catch up with them as well. At least 3 new babies, a marriage or two, children that used to be babies, new jobs, new apartments, holidays and family reunions, I honestly don't think I know anyone anymore.
Simply put, I can and do worry about almost anything. But you my lucky blog followers, are just about the only people who get to read about my internal insanity. People have moved, adjusted, removed and readjusted for centuries, and I can only imagine they will continue to do so for the next few centuries. So I'll manage fine in the end. Look forward to a less whiny post next time around!